I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
I realized that I've made out with a different boy almost every time we've gone to mcgoreys....I don't need a boyfriend...I have that bar
Fuck you. how could you leave me passed out hangin out my truck window when you knew it was starting to rain?
I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
I remember him going "OH SHIT" when he saw you straddling me on the table. And it was like the best feeling ever.
Sorry, I was watching the Olympic story about the Canadian guy and drinking out of the prescription bottle and crying because it was so beautiful.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
Randomize
