he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.
hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness
Did you get the "i have a yeast infection from that wet frat bathroom floor" text?
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
You just get me
I'm the wind beneath your wings, bitch
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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