Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.
You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
Oh my god there are animals here. There are actusal animals trying to get him. A giraffe is trying to get in. A giraffee is trying to get in. Is ridiculouss.
I told my dad that he was in a band and he was all like " good job" and then he looked up the band and listened to their music and just went " oh have you disappointed me"
He's gone. He left a note but all it says is "Dear Neil" followed by a drawing of a hand flipping the bird in the direction of a butt.
You ruined the universe
I enjoy the company of your penis
They should invent shampoo and conditioner for sex hair. I would buy all the travel size ones.
Randomize
