Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I'm gonna go out in a limb and say living out middle school fantasies is never a good idea
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Text me back. Urgent. It is a porta Keep the portal alive.
Is this the acid talking?
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
She knew the head wasn't all that so she gave me her taco. I'm will in to give her a second chance.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Randomize
