the blizzard started in kansas. im debating driving to a bar now so i can get snowed in there for the game
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
He did not want a thank you for helping me move in bj. I don't know how to thank him now.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
THERE IS WEED IN MY OVEN. HOW AM I EVER SUPPOSED TO MAKE CHICKEN PARMESAN WITH WEED IN MY OVEN.
For real his Facebook page says he studied "sexual arts" at some random college I've never heard of. You've been warned.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Randomize
