I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
Whatever, the fact of the matter is that I saved you from poorly planned outdoor sex by doing a rain dance and you should totally thank me.
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
How bad does the situation have to be before its ok to attempt 'catastrophic event sex'?
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
Sorry, but when you makeout with a guy in a panda suit, you know something has to change.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
MDMA IS GREAT AND YOU WERE THE WORST GIRLFRIEND EVER.
I'm never celebrating Galentine's Day again. It was a whorrific mess.
I gave him one of my famous hand jobs.
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