First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
She fell out the car soaking wet and screaming "im wearing a fedora!" then tryed to seduce him on the front lawn in front of his middle aged neighbor
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
i can't believe i'm giving you sex advice.
i've gotten sex advice under stranger situations. like while giving a blowjob behind the communications building.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
We did Irish Car Bombs out of butter trays, the influence of the retired community is astounding- I didn't know people even owned more than one butter tray.
I appreciate alcohol much more now that I have to be sober sometimes
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I just spilled a shot of Patron on your mom.. Body shots may be happening. You better get here quick.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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