I accidentally had phone sex last night
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
Last night I saw a drag queen take a shot of Red Hot that was soaked into a tampon. I fucking love my life!
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
Are my feet made of real feet?
THERE IS PRACTICALLY A BEER FUCKING WATERFALL
As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I think this agreement was sent by God. I get to do my own thing, get laid, and he still makes me breakfast in the morning.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I just told my mother my "if there are drugs I'm only taking them if I don't have to pay" rule and witnessed her perception of my shatter and crumble behind her eyes.
Randomize
