Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
He sent me a video of himself jacking off. I am not kidding.
WTF??? Isn't he married??
Yeah but his wife is at a birthday party and I guess he's bored. LOL
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"
HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
I woke up wearing nothing but my red thigh high socks and a blue wig. I have no idea what happened.
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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