I was born with a shot glass in my hand
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
You better have your party panties on Saturday!
Why only Saturday?
Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm amazed your boyfriend is still with you, how do you manage to pee on him while he is holding you in his lap?
Im about to smoke a huge bowl. My penis is so happy. Who needs girls.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
he didn't stitch me up last time. in fact, he yelled at me for bleeding.
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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