Turn sideways at McDonald's = actual directions to a winery
farters have to be the big spoon...
Just incase you were wondering, the count of ladies who have perioded on chairs at our fine restaurant is now at 3.
You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.
And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Life is my bitch right now. The bouncers tried to carry me out of the club, but everyone thought I was crowd surfing so everyone carried me BACK IN. Winning as fuck.
You were supposed to behave this weekend.
But... naked.
that's the second time I've left that bar and slept with the person that's driven my car. thank god I don't take cabs..
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
