you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
I can tuck mytits in my pants
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
yeah she was being a bitch. do you remember me stealing ryan cabrerra's beer?!?!
i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
Please do not make a facebook page for my hickeys.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
I really don't want to get drunk alone tonight. Like, I'll do it, but I won't enjoy it.
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
I'm having to shit out rocks
He has an 8 pack! HE HAS AN 8 PACK!!!!
Randomize
