they bought blue cups instead of red...wtf how am i supposed to pretend im on laguna beach??
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on
Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"
Too many sundays start with me waking up still drunk in my car.
The best way to start drinking is as early as possible. eg, this bar isn't open but we're patiently waiting outside. That way you're confident and exciting when the talent arrives. Or too drunk to care.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Slept at my ex's best friends house while my ex was locked out and I walked by him sleeping in his car this am
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
I swear 2020 just keeps getting worse and worse
Randomize
