I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
The last thing i remember is saying breakfast beer and carrying the keg to my room and locking the door.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
I keep telling girls I work at the carnival and then guessing their weights. I'm pretty sure I'm about to get kicked out.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
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