i just saw a man dusting the fake palm trees at the mall
...welcome to nebraska
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I forgot to tell you. Your neighbor was walking his tiny dog and saw me crawl out of my jeep drunk vomiting and holding onto my bumper. He just said: morning! all friendly.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
Made eye contact with his twin sister the day after he gave me a lifechanging blowjob. Do you think she knows?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You would seriously think I would remember who put themselves in my phone as Burt Rynalds Moustache, but I don't. And I need to be reminded of who you are so I can give you a proper high five.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
Moms passed out wet and naked in a rocking chair again....
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