So it's like pop-o-matic trouble, but with penises
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
There was a pool of blood on my desk and we still don't know who it belongs to. missed a good party, man.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
Is it bad that I just used Smirnoff as mouthwash?
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.
we are blowing up condoms and making balloons and we’re drunk on the floor. You could have come to school here
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
I'm sitting on your porch drinking wine from the bottle. Just so your new neighbors know what kind of people are in the neighborhood
I spent three hours in the ER last night to figure out that my friend just had to take a shit
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
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