i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
i love when people i haven't talked to since we fucked write on my wall.
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
They walked in to the store, ripped up the phone book, and left. Can we get on their level?
I think it says something about my life when I start picking up girls while im in rehab. And I don't think it's good.
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
How are you going to come here and fuck on our couch ? That's everyones couch
BUT I think maybe Thursday in celebration of America we should probably tan and see how fast we can finish everything in the liquor cabinet.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
What the fuck dude?
Sorry bro...
YOU HUMPED ME FOR AN HOUR WHILE YELLING "I GOTTA ASSERT DOMINANCE"
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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