and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?
Totally just met the chick getting nailed in our lobby last night. Should I bring it up?
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
A prostitute stole us beer at 3 am
Well after we were arrested you just kept chanting "Like a good neighbor state farm is there"
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
god dammit I AM NO LONGER PUTTING UP WITH YOUR HETEROSEXUALITY I QUIT
There's not really an emoticon that says "I'm sorry I honked your boobs, and that you weren't a fan of that."
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
Jungle juice breakfast? No? Ok.
Randomize
