i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
Nope she woke up in a hotel room alone on 55th street. A guy in a lamborgini gave her a ride this morning. She was walking barefoot home
it says 'tasty bitch' in sharpie on my tits...
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I deserve to have sex with a hot freshman ok
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Just as an add on, don't expect me to wear matching bra and underwear. If I do, I'm probably drunk and it's your fucking birthday. Have a great night.
i let a mormon finger me. i don't ever want to be that drunk again.
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
