help help how do i get him away from me should i talk in a robot voice or something
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
So you coming over for some grilled cheese and head?
I thouht it was time to go to sleep and suddenly I was front row on brokeback mountain
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
You'll get a boner for sure
Way ahead of you. Kinda awkward while paying rent but hey
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
Killing two birds with one stone tonight: mastrabation meditation. Win win.
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
Randomize
