my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
we're ranked number 5 for having the most pot in the country for a university school. idk if i should feel worried or just plain blessed.
Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
She is so graceful and lady-like, like a swan... On meth
oh man that would be weird.. i feel like we should do dirty things before anything super intimate like a massage.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
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