It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
If I had known I was gonna take my tights off and throw them over the balcony I would have shaved my legs.
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I'm sorry you were dumb enough to get played by a male cheerleader
I have nothing to say for myself. When 2chainz comes on at the bar all bets are off.
We were on a plane, I couldn't just grab his dick
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
The hospital waiting room is starting to become a very familiar place to me.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
