my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
The class that normally occupies the room we use for my Monday class had to do posters as if for a Hamlet movie and they pick actors for each character and this person wrote "Robert D. Niro"
im guessing your the one that tried to make bacon in the toaster
She referred to her collection of sex toys as an "arsenal." I'm not sure whether to be scared or excited....
After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?
so the last visual we have of him for the next 87 weeks is him outside on the ground rolling around yelling I HATE BLOWJOBS
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
Saw someone get laid in the bathroom no one was wearing shoes and I had a parrot on my shoulder...I never want to leave this bar
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I mean your new thing is losing body parts and feeling colors so its not like we are hurting for entertainment
My new years resolution is going to be to stop drunk snapchatting old hook ups asking them when we're going to bang again
Randomize
