hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
fuck your aforementioned shoe
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
And it just wouldn't be a Thursday night without me having to cuss out a foreigner. The streak continues.
I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
You know you threw a brownie at my head last night. And said you did it to defend the turtles honer....
Randomize
