he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Men with bald spots should not have mohawks. Just in case you didn't know.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"
Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.
Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night
He made me cum 7 times AND I nearly drowned him during that 69 in the back of a ford focus. Yeah I should get my gynocologist.
She just sent me a message. It's a poem, about eternal love, that she wrote, about us. Just because I took her home two nights - doesn't mean it's eternal love.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
