Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
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We found him. 8 blocks away from the bars and almost at his parent's house. On the verge of tears.
My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.
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Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise
Dude our life is a booze cruise
But without boats...
You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.
After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
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