just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable
he just voluntarily told me he was uncircumsized.. and that his favorite color was blue.
I just puked my brains out on the side of the road (see picture) And I took a picture for our scrapbook! I am always thinking! =) tell me your proud?!
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
I kept having to give myself encouraging advice like, "you know how a path works"
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
I do have a history of lying to Customs. I once convinced them I was an astronaut.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
