I realize that when i start making 24-themed music videos in my head to the song 'love is a battlefield' that i really need to get out more
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
No, I know her type. Tall, lanky, uses teeth when giving head, and runs like a giraffe. Don't do it man..
you are never too drunk for berry picking
What is the current exchange rate for ramen to jello shots?
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My fridge door just caught on fire somehow.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
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