Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
just passed out while on hold to see if i left my debit card at the bar last night.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Bro you fell face first into the sand and then balled up into the fetal position and yelled help untill I picked you up, no more whiskey for you...
At the funeral we'll say nice things, like "She was delightfully extreme, psychotically wonderful, and could probably drink all you fuckers under the table."
That's literally the perfect eulogy
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
My house is about to be spotless and the only person visiting is the plumber and not the porno kind.
I'm just letting you know right now in advance that if I die or go to the hospital or end up in jail tonight it's because your kid sold me mushrooms.
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
Randomize
