I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
Vodka and Eggs at 9:30AM = thank you, America.
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
He says we're "annoying" but that's an odd word to describe a couple of heroic liquor saiyans
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
Xanax and full house Tuesday is now Percocet Sunday
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
There's a fuckload of syrup all over the floor.
Randomize
