On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
everything in the house taste like gin even the water, friday nite was a success
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
He woke me up at 6:30 to have sex again and afterwards, he didn't even judge me when I asked him if he wanted some rum. I think I found my soulmate.
I would throw a dart into the Olympic ceremony and fuck whoever it hit
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize