moral of the story: I'm going to stab everyone
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
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Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Sorry, I thought I responded to your question. My name is Jon, we kinda had a sleepover at your friends place in OC. Don't know if you remember me, you were "dick chugging" like there was no tomorrow last night.
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She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
I have already been up, showered, had a cup of coffee brought to me, added a little rum to cure the hangover, had sex and kicked him out and it's only 1pm. Successful day so far.
I want to eat a stick of butter
Did your pain meds kick in?
It tastes nice
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...