He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
Got home to the hotel 3hrs ago per texts sent not in english to not a full phone number
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
I found a door knob in my purse this morning, I hope whoever it belonged to doesn't need it today.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He was going down on me and all I could think about was how proud of me you'd be
I don't think I'm ever gonna need a boyfriend again. I have a body pillow, a vibrator, and I'm strong enough to open my own jars.