You smell like a Billy Joel song
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
Randomize
