Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
Please tell me I didn't pass out while we were having sex last night... and if so I am sooooo sorry.
had to check his id this morning to remember his name.... i was wayy off
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
My vday gift was a joint bouquet, Finding Nemo on bluray, and a good shower fuck.
Um, WHAT A FUCKING KEEPER!
you said "i met the love of my life tonight" and i said "me?" and you said "no, hummus"
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
FUCK YOU VODKA I'M TRYING TO ADULT RIGHT NOW
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
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