God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Is it weird for a girl to post pictures of her dildo no facebook?
if i hurry i can finally have sex while stoned off my ass
godspeed.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.
Holding a cold bottle of mikes hard lemonade against my pulverized taint....this is my Sunday night
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
Lots of tissues. Maybe pizza. Only time will tell. The stages of political grief.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
Randomize
