Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke
We left the house and she said "let's go dick hunting" theres no way last night was gonna end up well
There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment
You climbed into the Suite next to us at the game so you could steal the half eaten hot dog someone had left on the table. That high.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
My mouth feels like it's at the dentist but my body feels like it's at the strip club.
I'm not even pretending to study anymore. I'm straight up sleeping in the library
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Fantasizing about the apocalypse is fun and shit until the conditions that could lead to one suddenly seem feasible
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
