Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I have glitter on my penis. Do you know anything about this?
it turns out jennifers body is not good to beat off to. yeah its megan fox but when she pukes up blood = goodbye boner
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.
You kept trying to hail an ambulance
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
found a better reason to procrastinate than the usual sunday-don't-give-no-fucks. literally every one of my textbooks is soaked in captain. can't turn a page without gagging.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
I just need some breakup sex yanno like filthy wish fulfilling breakup sex to make me forget what I never had
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
There’s a special place in hell for tall guys with small dicks
she wouldnt leave because they were playing One Direction. I'm dating a thirteen year old.
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