Plan B is the new Plan A
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...
I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I spent the entire party sexting people's significant others for them because they were too drunk to do it themselves. I did quite well too. I should start a business
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
Have u seen my vagina and my gorilla costume? Im in need of it.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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