I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She got a tattoo in memory of her cat, my attratcion to her is no more.
I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning
My face left an imprint in the loaf...
What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?
I jerked him off and then punched him in the face for no reason. Typical evening drinking Sailor Jerry's.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
I had to help some 40 year old women shoot down some 21 year old who called her his "milf fantasy"
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Some toppless girl just walked past me in the hall and gave me half a carton of smokes. I have never been more aroused.
There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
I’m at the Eye doc, sitting in the waiting room. The woman next to me is highlighting passages in her bible. I’m watching pornhub on mute. I clearly need some penis, or Jesus.
Randomize
