I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
Should I hook up with a slut its your call
Yes. Wrap it. If you dont have a condom do it anyway. YOU ONLY LIVE ONCE.
Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
Any questions about why there was a scuba tank chilling in the hot tub this morning?
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Googling enemas while I get a pedicure ... My life in one senence
You came in yelling "I'm el scorcho" and then axe can flamethrowered my dresser. Awesomeness aside, you owe me a new dresser.
I want to be her friend more than I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Just realized that my booty calls are vastly ranging in penis sizes.
It’s amazing such a big dick belongs to such a boring guy
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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