We're pretty sure the 'pocket' aspect of the hot pocket is unnecessary. Testing our theory now.
i'm having a wet tshirt contest with myself and yet i'm still losing
You did not just play the dead husband card again.
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
As we have told you before, the first rule of hook-up bingo is we don't talk about hook-up bingo
I've replaced you with thin mints and masturbation
I think the sex rug burn on my back is infected, can you check it out when you get home?
I just told my bowl "sorry" for putting it down, because I thought I hurt its feelings. omg. I'm high.
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Randomize
