I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
I just walked in on my lesbian roommate having sex in the kitchen, and it was awesome. We proceeded to shots naked together. Happy birthday to me.
You're more than welcome to join us! There's red velvet cake and apparently my pants are open for business I didn't consent to this
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
Randomize
