just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.
i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.
Oh, also as a concerning side note, my bra had drops of blood on it. So I don't know what the deal was, but someone I was around was definitely bleeding a decent amount.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
As long as he continues to be our subleaser and continues to fuck me, I think it's acceptable for me to steal a piece of bread here and there.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
There’s a stripper dressed like a slutty pilgrim. Is that a thing?
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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