On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
I just had a heart to heart with a stripper I'm becoming a dentist.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
It was like Strip poker and blow, but with Yu-Gi-Oh cards
Randomize
