and that's why we call him explosion in my pants. no one remembers his real name.
Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?
i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"
I dont know whats worse: her telling me she was so drunk i was "almost sexy," the fact that even when theyre shitfaced, im just "almost sexy" to girls, or the fact that i wasnt that offended by it.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
Chasing a shot of svedka with a clementine is NOT the same as tequila w lime...
She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
This guy dressed as a piece of paper for Halloween, I felt it was only necessary to sign his penis
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
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