I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
Officially drug you out of White Castle last night by the hood on your sweatshirt after you cussed out the attendant and stole the satisfaction guaranteed sign because they were closed!
And then we felt it necessary to continue drinking for another 4 hours, yikes
It's acceptable to bring him back to my parents house and fuck on the couch right??
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
i was really depressed when i left the health dept this morning after i had to write a higher number next to "partners" than "age"
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
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