Haha, just learned changing others iPhone passcodes is fun while drunk but not fun the next morning.
I cant help but queef when the male extremity enters
What is a male extremity?
i didnt realize it was that long since you've had sex
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Let's just say he sent me a picture of his dick and I was more impressed with the collection of video games he had in the background...
Hahaha I can already see the arrest warrants. It's gonna be beautiful. I'll get them framed.
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
Apparently I called down to the hotel front desk and begged them to bring us pizza. They brought us tea.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
