My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
walking around pouring bird seed on passed out guys in the quad.
I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.
When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You gave me a bottle of tequila and introduced me to a ginger named cowboy. I actually love you.
i was so unappreciative the bar was giving out sweatbands UNTIL I casually used it during sex.
Drunk you wants to be petty, not you you.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
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