please. tell me to stop eating out of the trash.
if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.
We found her naked passed out on the bathroom floor. She didn't even make it to the shower. She was clutching the bathroom rug.
I was crying hysterically and you wouldn't stop petting my ear and shushing me every time I tried to say something.
Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
Learn from me. When going to a booty call do not wear a belly shirt. Nothing says shame like a belly shirt at 7am.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
Randomize
