my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!
Going to an AA meeting just so I can fuck him...That's dedication
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
Fucked her on the patio while some dude drove by on a mower. He waved. Twice.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
I'm disappointed in the internet. It's two days and there's still no fanfiction based off that Manning/Beckham commercial.
You don't even like football
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