My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot
I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I sent him this really overly apologetic text asking him out. It was just sad. Not even 27 shots of whiskey can grow me a self-esteem.
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
Also so weird my phone cracked after I repeatedly threw it at the ground as hard as possible
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
Randomize
