if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.
He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
Can I just say I love that you have a kegorator on your wedding registry?
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
My favorite thing about your netflix account "suggestions for you" section: Russias Toughest Prisons is followed immediately by Strange Sex
One last thing: he lists glow sticks and tacos as things he can't live without. How would we not be friends??
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I just wanted a bootycall and now somehow I'm at his parents playing dominoes. But they have tequila so it's cool
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