I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
Fuck. What bets did I make about "yeah when the Cubs win the World Series" that I gotta reneg on????
I feel like my entire body is ashamed of me today
You're a god amongst men today
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
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