I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
HER PREGGO ASS BROUGHT SPEGHETTI-O'S... IN HER PURSE.
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
I do remember telling her that I was about to pass out soon and then hiding my pants under my bed so she couldn't take my wallet even drunk I'm thinking ahead
Just yelled out loud for someone to buy me a drink, 30 seconds later random guy on grindr asks what I'm drinking.
There's a 98% chance your drink will taste like rohypnol
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
My stuff that was at your place last night smells like doughnuts. I'm not even mad.
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
Hey what you doing tonight?
Working at the hospital! So hurt yourself and come visit :)
See you in about a hour
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
