I just took a dump by candlelight. I feel like a pilgrim.
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
If you loved me you'd bring cheese fries and a condom
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
He says the sweetest things but also that he wants to choke me when we fuck so it's kinda perfect.
Why are your pants in the freezer?
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
i know were having a "heart to heart" right now, but does it make you feel uncomfortable that im sexting someone right now?
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